Being positive! Radiant! Confident!
Who doesn`t want to be that way? Many of us do quite a lot, on a daily basis, to reach this state of being. Right after getting up we set our positive intentions, we affirm what we want, who we want to be… throughout the day an alarm might even remind us to do our inner practices and, of course, before going to bed… all that in order to have a positive mindset and outlook on life!
To be positive, no matter what!
We have a whole toolbox of spiritual tools to go from negative and dull to positive and radiant! I totally love them, use them, even teach them in my workshops and seminars. To be positive and aligned is such a great feeling… And yes, these tools work! – unless they don´t.
Unless we don`t use them to cover up our deeper truth.
How does this fit together?
Let me explain:
Your partner is getting on your nerves… well, he is actually really annoying you! This, obviously, provokes negative feelings. You know that what you focus on expands! And you know what to do: You pick a magical tool to transform those feelings of annoyance. „Gratitude is the attitude!“
You successfully change your focus by making a list about all those things you appreciate about him/the situation. The list is long since there is so much that is going well in your relationship. You become aware of the fact that you have a real treasure right beside you. Gratitude is filling your heart, you have managed to turn the focus away from the dirty bathroom mirror to the wonderful person he is!
Having shifted your vibration you find it easy to clean up the mess…
Your colleague handed over the work to you in a state of total chaos. You are used to this and know how to deal with it… The thought sneaks in: she should be more organised!
She should? Really?? „Should“ is the word that makes a light bulb go off in your head.
To accept what is… that excludes the word „should“ of your vocabulary. No more „shoulding“ on yourself and others!
Change your perspective and you change what you are looking at! That attitude has created great results in your life.
You know it is about you being more structured and organised in your thoughts and not to allow yourself to fall into negative thinking. You feel better instantly, you are aligned with who you really are and nearly effortlessly you bring order into the files. You allow her to be exactly who she is and have successfully changed your perspective.
It is a great tool and it works… unless it doesn`t.
And today is such a day. You have used all these tools and they don`t really seem to work. You are cranky and annoyed, now also with yourself since you don`t manage to pull yourself out of this!
Why are we scared of negative feelings?
Sometimes there is a deep rooted fear behind using these kind of tools. The fear of fully and authentically expressing one´s feelings. To communicate what we think and feel in a loving, authentic and straight way.
Some of us have a panic like fear to express their truth. A habit from long ago that tends to show up when people get emotionally close to us and touch those old pain points and open wounds from the past.
We don`t want to hurt others. We are afraid to become unlovable when we speak up. We would rather swallow the frustration in order to have outer peace than voicing our emotions. We suppress what we feel inside, become unconsciously aggressive and defensive. Thus we apparently don`t have an apparent problem with the other person, but with the discord within ourselves.
Ultimately harmony has gone, in the outer relationship (since we don`t feel comfortable anymore) as well as with the relationship with ourselves (since we are swallowing our anger). There is a lot of pressure. Loneliness creeps in. A sense of abandonment and isolation. We have left ourselves behind…
What mechanism is at play here?
The connection to ourselves is the most important connection we have. When there is a discord in communication with ourselves, our outer relationships and communications tend to likewise be difficult. When we suppress our feelings and cover them up with positive thinking… when we sacrifice our authentic self expression to a thought construct of „positive, no matter what“ than sooner or later our Inner Being will feel not seen, appreciated and ultimately stepped over and left behind.
With all that positive thinking and feelings we sometimes forget to authentically communicate and share what is going on within ourselves.
The art of allowing all of our feelings is key!
All of them – no matter what.
That sounds huge. And it is! And it can be scary!
But here is where our true freedom lies. Here is the key to be utterly positive. Right from the bottom. Authentically and real!
We have the right to speak our truth. Maybe we even have the responsibility to be authentic, for ourselves and others.
The question is „how“ to go about it.
To tell ourselves and others the truth without giving it another thought, might not bring what we intend – even though a tough argument might even be helpful at times. When there is a lot of inner pressure and „steam“ involved, the lid might just blow up and things come out in hurtful, unreflected ways. The long withheld frustration turns a fly into an elephant and all of a sudden the bathroom mirror becomes a mayor issue. Words of exaggeration flow in, such as „always“ and „never“, the energy is rather a reflection of the inner pressure than of the issue itself.
How can we deal with it in better ways?
It all starts with being honest to oneself! What am I feeling? What would I like to express? Why am I not voicing it? What is my fear?
At this point what surfaces are old wounds and sub-personalities. Limiting beliefs such as „whenever I speak up, it turns out in a big argument and I feel guilty“ or „when I tell my truth I am not lovable anymore and will be left behind“ come up and feel so damn real! We know they are exaggerations, but they weren`t at the time they were created, back then when we were little and depended on others. These old feelings get projected on the present, like clouds they cover up the sun and things get dark.
To become aware of this mechanism is the first step. And then it is all about practicing! Yes, indeed! Practicing… First you start on a piece of paper and then you go real. It is totally fine to make mistakes here. Like everything we learn and want to get better at, it is part of the process to overdo it and to be hesitant.
We are human, after all… no matter how spiritually evolved we think ourselves to be! We have full permission to be „negative“, to fully feel and express our emotions as an authentic expression of what is going on within!
I have just realised that the other day with myself. There is was using my beloved tools because I was, at the bottom, afraid to speak my truth!
How did I realise?
Those tools which usually do an awesome job did not work, meaning: the negative feeling persisted. It became clear to me that I wasn`t telling my truth out of fear of rejection.
After a little conversation with myself I wrote things down in a letter. That already felt a lot better. There was some relief! The inner pressure became less. There I was again, surfacing. I started to like myself again and even felt some pride for being honest!
But still there was something missing: „The talk“ with that other one!!
I was trembling inside… uhhh, that felt big!
With all the courage I could find I spoke up, allowed myself to be authentic. Vulnerable. Hurt. Disappointed…
And felt free as a result of that. Strong. Real. Authentic.
I showed up for myself. I took a stand for that fearful part of myself. And I became visible – for myself and the person in front of me who got the chance to get to know me that way!
What a gift for both of us.
I want to encourage you…
to stop and pause, whenever your spiritual and psychological tools don`t work and to be utterly honest with yourself. Is there anything you are hiding, not voicing, because you are afraid? Are you hiding your deeper truth out of fear?
And if so, that´s fine! Be loving with that wonderful person you are. And then be courageous. Step up for yourself!
- Speak your truth to yourself.
- Write it down.
- Voice it to others.
Take it one step at a time. But start moving!
Free yourself of old fears and limiting beliefs.
And remember that you are doing it out of a profoundly felt love for yourself and those around you who deserve to see you as who you really are: an authentic human being. Authentically positive…
Link to video about the subject:
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